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Well HOLY SHIT! Chuck Conry has taken the time to actually write something for the web-site again!! Took me long enough huh? I'm sure you'll be sad that this isn't another "Chuck Conry Show" instead. But all good things come to those who wait..and those who wait for my computer to stop being a nob slobber and actually let me online long enough to upload big files..but anyway, its all in due time my dears.
Apparently a lot has changed since the last time I've wrote one of these. For starters the name "Conry Chronicals" kinda..well it sucked. So from this point out we'll just call it "The State of Review"..I may change that later to but for now I'll just run with it. Also speaking of things changing..did you know we have statistic proof that people are actually reading this stuff?? Yeah, I'm kinda shocked to. But really after you set on myspace/facebook until your eye balls pop out of you're head what else do you have to do? Go to that Herald web-site?..Nawwww...
I hope all of you had a nice 4th. I hope all of you had drunken sex like wabbits all night long as the neighbors set off dynamite instead of fireworks..which is an act I never really understood. I mean just where the hell are they setting this stuff off at??..I had myself a nice 4th (thanks for asking). Me and a couple of my "dawgs" (as you cool kids would call it) went to a bar where I learned the grand lesson that not only is draft beer in a cup a dollar cheaper than beer in a bottle, but it also gets you drunk faster! W00t! And now I know..and knowing is half the battle.
And if your wondering, nope I didn't knock up anyone on this wild adventure. But there was actually a few good looking ladies there..or at least at the time they looked good. One that was hot for sure was the bar tender who I think was 30 and who I also think it packing a few kids. I've seen the Graduate by the way..and I would have approved had I actually stopped drinking long enough to have conversed with this hot pile of beer serving woman! Theres always next time..not like I need a good reason to toss a drunk anyway right? :D
As of late when I've neglected to do such important things like update this web-site I've also found the time to try all three new flavors of Mountain Dew..Which with me not liking Mountain Dew anyway I should have known I would have hated all three..which I do..with a passion. I mean whats up with these mofos at Pepsi anyway? Every so often they mess around with Pepsi or Mountain Dew and they come up with such "ground breaking" drinks as "Pepsi Clear", "Pepsi One", or "Code Red"..the later of which may actually still be around I'm not too sure because I don't drink the shit! But since I have you here allow me to take the time to break this whole new Mountain Dew "Dew Drinker Design" crap down for you...
MOUNTAIN DEW "VOLTAGE"
Yes sir we start off with the best of the three but in this case being the best is like being the smartest kid in the retarded class. This one has Raspberry mixed with the citrus & ginseng (thats right GINSENG which is in all three..someone is trying to cash in on the energy drink craze here..don't they already have one of those to??) Now like all three of these if your going to drink this shit at all you will want to have this as cold as you can get it..and trust me it does not go well with anything of the food nature.
MOUNTAIN DEW "SUPER NOVA"
Yes, they named it THAT. It kinda makes me wonder if they didn't let a room full of 5th graders pick these names since truth be told thats probably their target with this can-o-shit. This one has Strawberry Melon which sounded very promising to me as I stood inside Wal*Mart reading the can. However it taste like some bad old candy. Like a Jolly Rancher gone wrong. I've only drunk one and I saved my Dr.Pepper on the 4th by handing this mess out to the family. It's safe to say that if this stuff has ANY shot at all of me drinking it again it'll have to be mixed with something you have to be 21 to buy.
MOUNTAIN DEW "REVOLUTION"
Sadly this "Revolution" is probably gonna be over before it starts as our 3rd flavor has Fruit Fusion with Wild berry which together seems to somehow taste very close to our first flavor we talked about but with just enough difference to toss it in a different colored can and call it something else. Theres really not much to say about this kinda stuff other than unless your 10 or have very bad taste buds your probably won't like it.
You know I just don't get why Pepsi don't just give this stuff a rest. Theres a very good reason most these things don't make it past the Summer. When all is said and done one of these will remain but I bet it won't make it past the Winter. But if Pepsi insists on trying new things how about we mix Mountain Dew with Ginseng, a smashed up Valium and my piss?? We can call it "The Poo" because thats what it will surely taste like..only it'll be shit with a kick! So how about we toss it in a bright colored can and ship that stuff out? Surely someone will buy it right? I mean come on! They'll catch a buzz! I'm sure it'll be big with the ladies in Tullahoma, I hear they'll put just about any damn thing in their mouths down that way.
Well that just about wraps me up here but before I go just want to say a few weeks back me and my crew attempted to shoot a version of The Chuck Conry on video. It was a long process that requires many Bud Light Limes and the results where a sure mess. I hear a few clips of that mess are edited together somewhere and may just see the light of day. I look for my social life % to drop greatly in the case this ever makes the site. So in the chance that it does anytime soon just keep in mind I'm drunk not crazy.
~Chuck
chuck@grundyreview.com
